


Just Give Me A Reason

by SunshineScorpius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Depression, First Kisses, Implied Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Self Harm, helping others through, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 11:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18636826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineScorpius/pseuds/SunshineScorpius
Summary: Scorpius finds making lists help, especially in matters of life or death. Albus proves why he should always be at the top of this particular list.





	Just Give Me A Reason

**Author's Note:**

> ****TRIGGER WARNINGS**** for depression, self-harm and suicidal intent. Stay safe kids xoxo

“I thought I’d find you up here,” Albus said, huffing as he closed the Astronomy Tower door behind him, exhausted from climbing all those stairs.

“Albus!” Scorpius jumped, quickly closing the notebook he’d been writing in and tucking it away in his bag. Scorpius jumped to his feet and spun to face him, a wide (albeit forced) grin on his face. Albus eyed him carefully, glancing at the bag, to his nervous fidgeting hands and the way he shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot.

“Everything okay?” Albus asked, crossing the room to stand next to his friend.

“Of course.” Albus didn’t buy it for a second. However, he brushed it off. This was Scorpius, he would tell him eventually. They told each other everything. Or at least, Albus thought they did.

“Well, come on. It’s almost curfew, you don’t want to get caught. Wouldn’t be much of a prefect then, would you?” Albus teased, picking up Scorpius’ bag for him. Scorpius chuckled, taking the bag from Albus.

“Guess not,” he played along, but it was half-hearted at best. Something was wrong, Albus could tell. Scorpius wasn’t great at hiding his feelings, he always wore his heart on his sleeve. They descended the stairs together, Scorpius just slightly ahead due to his longer legs. The descent of the stairs was strangely quiet – Scorpius usually talked his ear off. However, when they reached the bottom he seemed to have recovered from his silence.

Scorpius talked all the way down to the dorm about their potions and muggle studies project due the end of the week. They partnered together for both of them – thankfully, otherwise Albus would have no doubt failed both. Scorpius was a genius, you see. He was brilliant at everything he did. Academically clever, especially gifted with a wand, exceptional at potions and even had a knack for dealing with magical creatures. He was everything Albus wanted to be, and that was why he admired him.

But something was off. He was talking amicably as he always did, but Albus sensed the underlying… what was the best word? Sadness, maybe. Ache. Numbness. Any one of the three would have suited. He smiled so brightly, but it never quite reached his eyes. There was something twinkling behind them, something that was not his usually quirkiness. No, something was wrong.

See, Albus and Scorpius’ friendship runs deeper than the ink beneath the skin of tattoos. It was a connection that never needed words to work. They could sit in total silence and still know exactly how the other was feeling. Close was not the right word to describe them. They were more than close. They were more than friends, more than brothers. They would fight dragons, fly the highest heights, swim the deepest oceans for each other. They would destroy the world if it were the only way for them to be together because a world without each other was not a world worth living in.

Which means it was only strange that Scorpius was _trying_ to hide how he felt from Albus. He should have known it wasn’t possible. They knew the other better than they knew themselves. Albus knew Scorpius better than he knew the palm of his hand. Secrets was something they never kept because they never really stayed a secret for long.

When they entered the dormitory, Scorpius mumbled something about going for a shower before throwing his bag on his bed and disappearing into the bathroom. His bag landed short, and fell from the bed, the contents spilling over the floor. Albus sighed and walked over to pick up the contents. He cleared up the inkpot that had spilled – luckily it had narrowly missed any notes he had in there from class.

The notebook Scorpius had been writing in fell open and Albus knew he should have closed it and returned it back to its rightful place. But, he caught a quick glance and that was all it took to become engaged. Across the top of the page, written in cursive in colours of the rainbow was the words:  _Reasons to stay alive:_

Underneath was a list. Albus should have closed the book. He should close it. He knows he should close it. But he couldn’t. If this is what Scorpius had been writing in the Astronomy Tower; if this is what he was being so off about; if this is what’s bothering him, then Albus couldn’t brush it under the table. He couldn’t ignore it. There was no ignoring something this serious. If these were genuine thoughts he had, Albus had to help him. So, he read on.

  * **_ALBUS_**
  * _DAD_
  * _Getting to see yourself grow over time_
  * _Finding new music_
  * _Tea_
  * _The sunset_
  * _Falling in love and staying in love_
  * _Hearing Albus or dad laugh_
  * _Seeing someone blowing out their candles on their birthday_
  * _Growing up_
  * _Seeing the world_
  * _Chasing dreams and catching them_
  * _Inside jokes_
  * _Giving people gifts and getting to watch their joy_
  * _Flying_
  * _Lazy days with Albus watching our favourite movies_
  * _Baking cakes_
  * _The smell of the air after it’s rained_
  * _Hogwarts_
  * _Hugging and being hugged by Albus_
  * _The stars_
  * _The world and the fact that it is bigger than your problems_



“Albus?”

Albus was shocked from his riveting find at the sound of Scorpius’ voice. He hadn’t heard the shower turn off and Scorpius emerge from the bathroom. Albus mimicked Scorpius' actions earlier: jumping and closing the book harshly. He shoved it away from him, as though he hadn’t been caught reading it. Albus jumped to his feet to face Scorpius.

He looked incredibly small. He was wearing a hoodie that was far too large for his skinny frame and a pair of jogging bottoms which – again – were slightly too big. That was because both pieces of clothing were Albus’. He’d stolen them from him a couple of weeks ago when it got cold and had never bothered to return them. Albus never wanted them back, he liked the look of Scorpius wearing his clothes.

“Did you like what you found?” He asked, his voice trembling with oncoming tears. He wrapped his arms around himself, then winced slightly when his hand touched his hip. Albus narrowed his eyes, but never questioned why he might be in pain.

“I’m sorry,” Albus said, making his way over to Scorpius to grab his arms. Scorpius dodged him and placed himself down on his bed. Albus followed and touched his knees to Scorpius’. This time, he never flinched away. Albus saw that as a victory. “I didn’t mean to read but Scorpius, what is that?” He had never heard his own voice sound so concerned – so _scared._

“I think that’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?” He half-joked, but it never quite carried. He let out a nervous chuckled before turning to the book that Albus placed on his bed and ran his fingers over the cover. It was a notebook Albus had given him for his birthday, it was silver with an intricately designed ‘S’ on the front. Albus remembered how happy he’d been when he opened it. And now it was used as what? A notebook to write his darkest thoughts?

“Talk to me,” Albus begged, shuffling slightly closer and placing his hands on Scorpius' thighs. Scorpius eyed his hands for a moment before flicking his gaze back to Albus’ eyes. There were budding tears in them, ready to fall like rain from a storm cloud.

“I just get… thoughts sometimes and…” Albus had never heard him stutter so much. He was usually so eloquent. He usually never struggled for words. Words were his thing. Words never usually failed him. “And I… need something to remind me that, that… everything’s okay,” he finished with a sniffle, blinking rapidly to keep the tears back.

“Scor, how long has this been going on?”

Scorpius sniffed and wiped his nose with his sleeve. “Since mum died, really.”

“Three years?” How could Albus not know his friend had been suffering for that long? Why had he never told anyone? “Three years…” Albus said again, this time more exasperated. He couldn’t quite believe it. “How could I not know?”

“I never told you… or anyone,” he shrugged.

“Not even your dad?” Scorpius shook his head furiously. “Why not?”

“How can I?” A single tear escaped his eye and he wiped it desperately. “How do you tell…” he took a deep breath. “How do I tell my dad that…” he trailed off. Scorpius curled his hands into fists, his fingernails digging harshly into skin. More tears began falling. “I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him that his only s-son doesn’t always want to live… or, or that he wants to hurt himself.” He was struggling to get his words out through his laboured breathing.

Albus immediately grabbed his hands and uncurled them, revealing the crescent shaped marks now evident on his palms.

“So, this list?” Albus asked, unable to repeat what Scorpius just told him.

“It’s just a bunch of reasons why life is better,” _than death_ went unspoken, but the words hung in the air. Albus internally cursed himself for not spotting the signs sooner, for not helping him sooner. He could have protected him from the pain in some way. He could have undone what’s been done, he could have sent back the rain. But, now he can’t. So, he could only hope his open arms were enough.

“It's not very long." Scorpius shrugged. "I’m on top?” A blush spread across Scorpius’s cheeks and he hung his head and nodded.

“You’re the most important, Albus,” he whispered, voice brittle. “You always have been.” Scorpius looked back up to him, grey eyes glistening behind tears. Albus wiped them away, desperate to make Scorpius feel better somehow.

“Could I have done something different? Something to make you not feel like this?”

Scorpius was shaking his head before Albus had even finished speaking. “No. I know you have some kind of complex that means everything’s your fault, but this isn’t. In fact, I think you’ve always saved me.”

“From what?”

“Myself.”

“I feel like I should have known,” Albus said, searching Scorpius’ eyes for anything he could find. Scorpius placed a hand on his cheek.

“This is my battle, not yours.” Albus closed his eyes, letting the warmth of Scorpius’ palm on his cheek engulf him. When he opened them, Scorpius was leaning in closer. Albus flicked his gaze from his eyes to his lips and back again.

“You shouldn’t face it alone,” Albus whispered, leaning in closer. Their lips were almost touching. They would never come back from this. Albus knew they were always close, and he had always wanted this. He just never knew if it’s what Scorpius wanted too. But, here they were, taking a leap.

“I’m not alone,” Scorpius replied before meeting Albus’ lips with his own.

A key clicked in a lock. A mountain moved. The sun aligned with the moon. The waves crashed to the shore. The planets aligned. Someone found the final piece of a puzzle. A beautiful melody was created. The perfect photograph was taken. A pair of lips found another that fit together like two pieces of a broken heart.

The kiss was fierce and protective. It was passionate and chaste. Scorpius kissed him like it was the last thing he’d ever do. Albus kissed him to make sure it wasn’t the last thing he’d ever do.

Scorpius pulled away first and rested his forehead on Albus’, collecting his breath. His lips were swollen red, matching his bloodshot eyes.

“I can’t always save you,” Albus whispered once he collected his own breath. His hands were on Scorpius’ cheeks, forehead pressed to forehead, nose to nose.

“I’m not asking you to. Just stay,” he replied.

“I’m staying.”

“Then that’s a good enough reason for me.” He pressed a small kiss to his lips again.

Albus didn’t know if that would be enough. He knew how these things worked. One day, Albus might not be enough to keep him alive, but he’d be damned if he ever let him go. Scorpius was his life, his entire world. He always had been. And Albus had always been his. They were destined to be together, forever and always. As long as Albus was at the top of that list, then he would be there for Scorpius every single damn day. And even if, for some reason, his name moved down the list, he would still save him. They were one in the same.

For Albus couldn’t live without Scorpius either.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments welcome, let me know what you think! I know it's a sensitive topic and I hope I approached it well! I also hope that everyone is happy and healthy! All the best xoxo


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